I Am Angry Abuse Why

This week a neighborhood blogger  inspired by Mo’Niques acceptance speech for her win in the movie "Precious" on the Golden Globe awards told her story of being sexually abused as a child. As I read it I had tears in my eyes and felt sick as my own abuse was brought to the surface. The feelings that I so many times push to the back of my mind and go on with my life. Or so we think but like she says in her blog it affects us even when we'd like to pretend it doesn't. I acted up as a teenager more than regular teenagers and in my adult life pushed away the people who really cared about me cause I felt I didn't deserve to be treated good and that no one could really love me. It almost cost me the man who is still in my life. He wouldn't give up. He didn't know about the sexual abuse. Even today he does not know all or so I think. I also block things out at times. Like I said I was a mess in my teenage years I am surprised I made it to adult. Some of my adult life was messed up too.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, very dysfunctional. Drunks, mental illness, physical, sexual, emotional abuse I couldn't wait to be able to leave home.One year I won the perfect attendance award in school, I would rather go to school sick than stay home.
My sexual abuse and childhood came back to me, when I had my kids. I was taking care of them and suddenly it came back to me. It was like I left this world I became numb, more on this on later posts.So many things that I don't like to talk about.
I have been debating whether to write this. . If you write about it or say it the abuse is real, but if you are quiet then it's like it doesn't exist. I kept quiet once and more women got hurt.As a child there was a family "friend" and family member. I was always afraid and nervous when the "friend" would come to visit. I hated it. When he was there I would try not to let him get me alone. He would always find a way. Especially when he offered to help me with my homework and my mom agreed.When I did tell my mom abot the abuse.She said " he's our friend you must of misunderstood". He didn't come back when he realized
I had said something.With the family member it was only once and I convinced myself that he was drunk and didn't know it was me, that he probably didn't even remember what he did. I didn't think I was ashamed. I think about the family member I was but I was also angry. I am still angry. They say anger is no good Oh well I feel it makes me strong.
My abuse was not only as a child.As a teenager in school two teachers said if I had sex with them I would pass with A+. I declined. I thought for sure they would fail me. I was not a good student. I barely made it but, I passed. As an adult I was attacked going into my building. I was saved when two of my neighbors walked into my building.Cops were called ,I told the cop I better not catch him first. They said if I saw him call them don't take care of it myself.The guy was never caught.
Then there was the time when I allowed myself to trust someone and was tricked into a situation where i was abused again. I felt dirty and angry, that I allowed my self to get in that situation. But he was a respected long time business owner. I never would of thought he would abuse me. I didn't tell, I didn't think anyone would believe me. I would walk by his business making sure he couldn't see me for years after, wanting to hurt him. I should have told. Ten years later I was reading the daily news and there was a story of a man who had abused three women. It was the business man. There was a phone number at the end of the article for anyone with info.I called and was asked to please come in and tell my story. After talking to the lawyers I was asked to testify. I was told they could not prosecute for my case(it had been too long) but I could help the other women. The lawyer felt it would have more impact if I testified for two reasons. It would show that the man had a pattern of abuse. Also the women were immigrants and even I though i was Hispanic I was American. My therapist( yes I did end up in therapy) felt I might fall apart or regress in my therapy if I testified. I told him I wanted to do it. He said this would only take care of one abuser if the case was won, I said one was better than none. I testified it felt good to look into that man's face and show him that I was not scared.No matter how his lawyer tried to confuse me I remembered everything like it had happened that same day. I left the courthouse after I testified. The lawyer called to tell me the women won the case. They wanted to take me to dinner to thank me. I declined. They felt they wouldn't have won the case if it wasn't for me. I don't know if that was true or not.I am just glad at least I got one. ..............